i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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