is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
