went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
