Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
