Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
