just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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