To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
