my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
