the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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