Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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