theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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