my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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