dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You did what with his pubic hair?
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