if you like me you must not know who I am
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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