when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
