wanna go halves on a baby?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
