my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
