now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
