Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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