dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
