i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
