She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
