I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
