you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
