u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
