who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
