i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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