Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
