Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
