i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
