if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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