bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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