i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
