the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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