Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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