and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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