I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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