It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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