I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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