Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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