ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize