These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
