omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
