You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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