You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
