I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
