Non-Jews are for practice
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
