Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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