every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize