sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
