Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
