its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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