What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
50% drunk capacity currently
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
