the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
