Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
