did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
