the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
