I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
