i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
