all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
