my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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