VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
