I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
we should paint friendship bongs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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